23.

So much has changed in my life between my last post and this moment. Although, writing serves as one of my greatest abilities as well as one of my best coping skills, I have had a hard time trying to actually launch my vision and manage the reality of my life.

Year 23 was such a disgusting one, but in the same breath I’d say it was one of the best years I have had. Being 23 broke me down to the very core and humbled my entire being and for that I am forever grateful. I am grateful for all the lessons in the losses. Year 23 gave me a lot to be thankful for, but it also took a lot from me. 23 took a wedding, my best friend, family, finances, normality, my dignity, my peace, happiness, self respect, life, and stability. Instead of soaking in everything I lost in the last year, I got up every single day and started over. 23 showed me to never get comfortable because at any moment life will come for everything I know to test the strength I believe I have. 23 put me in a boat of vulnerability & desperation to show me that I was getting complacent in the wrong circumstances. On the other side of the coin, 23 motivated me to start grad school, relocate to a different state, seek peace, and learn who I actually am. For these reasons, I characterize it as one of my best and worst years, a concept I have never truly understood until life forced me to.

With all of this, being a mommy did not stop. It took me lying in bed crying while my one year old climbed over my head, jumped, played, and stared at me with confusion, for me think about why it was so important to me to start MommysBreak in the first place. There was no break, there was no pause, there was no moment for me to gather my life while someone else ensured that my motherly duties were done. I felt guilt, I felt sadness, I felt drained because I had never imagined getting to a point of doubting my ability to be a mommy, especially so soon in my journey. I had to find force to turn what I wanted to call “shambles” into my “moment” to grow, to find myself, and most importantly to find peace.

Mommies, we will be ok. As I have written before, there is no rule book to this mommy thing. It did not come with a book of directions, so when things do not go as envisioned, it is extremely hard to remind yourself that it will be ok, but it will be. I know that this will not be my last run in with feeling broken and doubtful, but I have found it extremely helpful to talk to myself, encourage myself, and remind myself on a daily basis of the long term goal. I would encourage you all to do the same. Find healthier ways to create strength for you to continue through any storm you may be facing. Talk to someone, see a therapist, utilize your support system, meditate, write, do anything but give up or in.

Everything Is So Unplanned!

Hi mommies!

This week I wanted to talk about my personal birth story! Not just step by step of what happened the day I refused to believe I was in labor for two hours before I was crawling around my apartment. I wanted to instead, talk about how my birth story is a prime example of why as a mother, things rarely go as planned!

I am the mom who carries a planner and writes down my day to day plans, by the hour. Before giving birth I truly believed that I had me and my child’s life planned out to a T, at least until his 18th birthday. Boy was I dead wrong. It was the second day in the hospital post birth that I realized, “wow this is not going as I planned it.” The evening I went into labor I did not want to believe I was in labor. I was planned to be induced two days later and I just knew for sure that my son would not come any sooner, as he was already nine days late. Had it not been for my own mother, I probably would have gave birth in my bedroom as I did not want to go to the hospital. A couple hours into the contractions, she finally convinced me to crawl out to the car. When I arrived at the hospital I let them know that I would not like to get the epidural and no matter what I said, that they should not give it to me. That was until I was stuck at 7 centimeters for 5 hours. At this point I had been in labor for 10 hours, natural. I received the epidural at about 10.5 hours and this began the cycle of unplanned things. After I received the epidural we started having complications which led to me having to have a C-Section. I was completely bummed by this and after crying for 45 minutes I finally agreed. After the c-section I did not get a chance to see my baby right away as there were more complications with myself.

Fast-forward to the next day, I learned that I was not producing enough breast milk and that my baby had lost weight which he continued to do until we left the hospital. They came in and offered me to use another woman’s donated breast milk (yes this is a thing), or formula. Not wanting to do either, I continued to try getting my own supply to pick up.  That night my son decided to wake up every 45 minutes to nurse and the nurses decided to try the pacifier. Believe it or not, the pacifier sent me over the edge. I began to cry and I thought to myself, “I can’t plan this. I cannot plan how this is gonna go so I should not have done it.” I had planned to push my son out naturally, breast feed him, and keep him far away from pacifiers. Only to have a medicated c-section, have him sucking a pacifier  and not producing enough milk. I texted my sister extremely upset and I remember telling her “This is the one thing I cannot plan and it’s driving me crazy.”

Happy to say that by the time we made it home I had an over production of breast milk and he’s never had any other kind of milk. He hates the pacifier, he’s a huge baby, and life has not been any different because I had him cut out versus pushing him out. So moms, DO NOT be discouraged when things don’t go as planned with your kids. Doesn’t matter if your child(ren) are 1,5, 10, 16, or 18 years old. Things will go unplanned and it’s ok because it always works itself out. I learned from my personal break down that I have a lifetime to go of things not going as planned. If your child isn’t doing the things that you always imagined they’d be doing or if things are differently than you had expected, find a way to love the situation for what it is. No matter how displeasing it may be. “Life’s most beautiful moments are unpredictable.”

Catch a break next week as my mommy will be doing a guest blog for Mother’s Day!