Today is 6/4/2020

Today I woke up not really knowing how I feel, but knowing that a cloud was over me.

I tried getting out of bed before Aiden to find a sense of peace, I tried working out despite my mind telling me to climb back in bed & sleep or cry. I tried seeking reasons I feel this way and naturally retreated to telling myself that I’m feeling the urge to cry for no reason. I tried to tell myself that the last 30 days is not enough to put me in this space. I tried to convince myself that a house fire is not the worst thing I’ve experienced. W/ that, I also tried to rid of all emotions related, because after all of that, me and my family made it out and nothing important to me was ruined. Back to today, I then tried convincing myself that graduating was a good thing so to feel uneasy about it not being traditional is childish. These are thoughts I am literally running after in my mind. I tried telling myself that staying in hotels for free is nothing to be sad about. That no matter how much my job interrupts my ability to cater to my own life, I need to be grateful.

And as I’m fighting these thoughts, attempting to work, clean, and cater to Aiden’s requests, I feel the cloud getting heavier. I decided at this point that I’d workout again and go harder than I have in a while to release this dark energy. I showered and I crawled in bed while still wrapped in a towel & Aiden comes into my room. I hear him repeatedly say, “Mommy you need to get dressed.” “Mommy put some clothes on.” It may have been the 10th repeat before I see him pulling clothes out of my dresser and laying them on the bed. However, something in my soul would not allow me to get up. Not until I notice that my three year old is attempting to put my socks on & urging me to help him by putting on the Tshirt and leggings he has laid out for me. At this point, if you follow my blogs, then you probably guessed that I’m fighting back tears. Because in my mind I’m questioning wtf I am doing this morning and why I’m allowing myself to be down for “no reason.” Me writing this is me attempting to tell myself why.

Why? Because I’m overwhelmed. I have not allowed myself to feel the last 30+ days of my life. Whether I feel like I’ve been through worse or not. I struggle so hard with respecting the person I am today. Respecting that she has not been through worse because she has been reborn time and time again.  So today, she is flustered with emotions. In the last six months I’ve disconnected from several relationships. I’ve continued to have a piss poor dating life. I’ve been forced to alter my entire life amid a pandemic. I’ve buried my emotions about not having a traditional graduation. I’ve been caught completely off guard by a house fire. I’ve had to be away from my child more than usual (believe it or not this too overwhelms me). I’ve consumed more social media than usual in attempts to stay aware of recent racial issues. I’ve not given myself the promised space from the world. I’ve been unconsciously f*cked up about the state of the world, & more. All while still trying to just be me.

Mommies, as you all know, this journey is never ending. There are highs and there are lows, but if I stress nothing, I want to stress how important it is to ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL. I have found myself being so obsessed with peace and happiness, that I so often forget that it is ok to allow unpleasant emotions to have their time as well. Being sad or mad or frustrated does not take away from your overall happiness, as long as you do not get stuck there. Make the next 30 days about the balancing of your emotions. Because it helps avoid those days like 6/4/2020, for me.

Re-Learning Them!

Have you ever taken the time to try to re-learn your child? Maybe not, because it is not often that you are given enough space to even think about re-learning them, but maybe it is time to start creating that space. In a world that makes it a crime to take a break as a mommy, it may be hard for you to purposely take space away from your kids. However, you may be amazed at how healthy and helpful doing so could be for your job as a mommy. Since inviting Aiden into this world, I have been shown how much positivity comes from being given a break and accepting those breaks. It has always allowed me to bring my mind back to my body, care for myself, and replenish the parts of me that are needed in order to be a great mommy. For this entry, I wanted to share what has been a reality for me after having a 3 month break from Aiden over the summer. Once mommies have “learned” their child, it is rare to make this an ongoing thing. So often, we as parents will “learn” our children and tag them with this idea that we have of them, even knowing that we are a changing species.

When Aiden returned to me there were obvious differences within him from when he left. It was not the point of me noticing those differences, that I believed that I needed to re-learn him in order for our relationship to be in it’s most healthiest space. It was not until I was listening to a video of Les Brown speaking and he said something along the lines of, “as long as you have something to learn then your business here on earth is not finished.” It made me think about the fact that life is a continuance of learning. And if something as precious as life is meant to be continuously learned, then what makes your child(ren) any different.

It was within the first two weeks that Aiden had returned, that I had heard this quote and thought about it. I thought about how hard re-adjusting was, I wondered if the changes were taking a negative tole on him, I was feeling overwhelmed, and the list goes on. I had been working to fall back into a routine with a kid who had went through changes whether acknowledged or not. I started to focus less on the things I knew about him and instead focused on what seemed to be different and how I could find ways to adjust to those things. How I did this was by acknowledging what he likes and does not, giving options, and learning his new communication styles. As crazy as it may seem, there are many mommies who understandably struggle with something as simple. Not because they are not qualified, but instead because it is easy to fall into the mindset of believing that once you know your kid, you “know your kid.”

I hear mommies especially, say all the time, “I know my kid.” This separation from my own kid and coming to a new realization, makes me want to ask the question though, when is the last time you attempted to learn a new part of that kid that you believe you know so well. I had to realize that there was no routine for me to fall back into because we both came back together new individuals. I understand that not everyone is afforded extended breaks, but that does not mean you cannot apply the practice. It doesn’t matter if you have a toddler, a pre-teen, or an adult child, attempt to re-learn them as PEOPLE, and watch the growth. Do not fall into the normalcy of being ok with re-learning a work system, re-learning your intimate partner, re-learning your friends, the education system, and not giving the same space for your child(ren) mommies!

Happy Mother’s Day

0E32494F-FB7C-46EE-BF80-7DE1C740E41CMotherhood is hard. And if you’re conquering it, I have nothing but love, gratitude, & respect for you. We live in a world where Mother’s are not readily afforded the level of respect & uplifting, as it’s deserved. Mother’s are given one of the most difficult tasks of conceiving, carrying, birthing, raising, shaping, & preparing another human being to be something that is greater than she may even be. On top of these tasks, Mother’s are not afforded the human luxury of making mistakes without the world crashing down on us. But today, I’m taking the responsibility of praising the one that birthed me.

My theme for this post was going to be how much me & my mother have grown past our differences. I wanted to show how strong a relationship could get with mutual effort, forgiveness, & love. As I searched for a creative space to began writing I decided to instead share all of the great things about my mother. To use this day to celebrate everything I love about her. There are no amount of mistakes, struggles, arguments, or punishments imposed (& there were a lot), that can take away from the amount of love my mom has for me and my brothers. She has proved in every sacrifice just how far she will and always has went to love & protect us.

Mom, thank you. Thank you for the lessons, the sacrifices, & the limitless love. Of course as a teenager being told my shorts are too short, not being able to attend every party, or getting my phone taken away, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see that you are everything I needed in a mother. You’ve made me into who I am today. I couldn’t be this without you, no matter how much I’ve ever tried to take credit for who I am. It’s because of you that I have a backbone. It’s because of you that I know how to love. It’s because of you that I know how to help others. It’s because of you that I know what hard work looks like. It’s because of you that I know what it means to be a protector. It’s because of you that I feel like a confident mother!

If you’re reading this, use this Mother’s Day to celebrate your mother. Not just by buying a a necklace, sending flowers, or taking her out to dinner. & if for any reason you can’t, celebrate another mother that you’re close to. Tell that mother how & why she’s valued. Let your words be the gift.

“Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” – Robert Browning