Repeated Lessons

Mommy thoughts: “While I feel I have a good grip on my emotional regulation & personal coping skills, I never fail to be reminded by dark spaces, why it’s so important to simply be a good person.”

The Break: Life has been throwing wrenches left & right. I mean kicking my ass to the point of not being able to sit down and simply write a blog for the month of February. I will add that for every tragedy, I’ve been provided 3+ things to be beyond grateful for. So for this I’ll continue to be thankful for even the hardest moments. However it doesn’t take away from them being hard. Initially I started to do what we’re trained to do, ask myself why this would be happening to me. Of all people in the world, why the person who spends her alone time trying to figure out how to be better?! 

And then I asked myself, why not me?

Why not take on and understand each lesson that’s being provided. Even if my chip falls on the ground, instead of getting upset, I’m using it as a moment to return to the present moment, ask myself was there something off in my focus, etc. A technique I’ve shared before, but speaking to it again makes obvious that I haven’t mastered. I’ve constantly reminded myself over the last month or so that nothing is happening TO ME. & while a hard reality to accept, it’s just that. I am being afforded the opportunity to always be an example of all the best described ways. Resilient, strong, and dedicated to creating a better narrative for my child.

I don’t know a category of species stronger than a mommy of any kind. I would say between period hormones & life itself, I’m in a pretty unstable space. I can see and understand how another seizure, family drama, losing a brother to gun violence, still being a social worker, and motherly duties would lead anyone to complete insanity in a 3 month time span. What I can’t see, is if my own reactions or people being immune to my life’s events is creating this space of aloneness for me. I decided to write this month’s blog tonight while feeling down because more than anything I want mommies to know that you’re never alone. I felt by speaking from a more vulnerable space, I’m able to fully express just how I relate. I’ll write this every month if I have to because I just want it known and understood that even when it feels like you’re alone, I promise you’re not.

Overall, I may not can say that things are going terribly wrong for me. What I can say is that tonight I want to cry and soak in the sadness. I don’t want to wear the mommy cape and I won’t. I won’t because there’s strength in knowing when to allow emotions aside from happiness have their moments. Problem arrives when we get stuck in these moments. So my word to you today is whatever space you’re in recognize it, allow it, understand it, & release. It may take 2 minutes or it may take the remainder or March. However long, don’t allow yourself to get stuck. We have little people watching & trust that they are regardless of age or words spoken. I could’ve used tonight to give up and let the emotions win, but instead I’m choosing to make it a moment of strength and lesson in hopes of helping the next mommy! What will you do to help your hardest moments become lesson?

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