Fear

Mommy thoughts: “You’re not alone. We’re all battling struggles with both life and parenting. You’re also not a superhuman so just focus on & start at step one, which is simply acknowledging that you’re struggling with something!”

The Break: Where to start? I have like 5 places I would like to but I don’t know where it makes the most sense…I always say I want to have a better relationship with time, but up until about a month ago, I’m not even sure what that statement really meant. Currently in a space where it feels like I have all the time in the world, to have no time.

I wish I had some fancy statement to explain why I haven’t blogged in two months, but it’s as simple as life being too damn heavy. The thought of sitting down and writing has seemed like such an unreachable task & I can only blame myself for the disconnect. However, life is heavy enough so I won’t. I’ll simply start here and only hope that I can retain and maintain balance in this life moving forward.

I still don’t know if the neurologist delivered the news so calmly because the news was that I cannot tolerate stress or if it was just her natural demeanor given the line of work she’s in. Either way it didn’t make it any less stressful. In fact, I can’t remember a time before this, that I cried so hard snot was able to rest on my face. The way she explained it was that there is no explanation. The seizures that occur in my sleep could be life threatening and because of the rate that they’re happening I am now considered to have “Epilepsy.” She let me know that I would need to start medication as early as tonight because with each episode I am minutes away from losing life. She explained that when my body is transitioning from one stage of being awake to sleep, something is happening too fast for my brain to handle. This in turn sends something like a sudden shock to the neurological system. She stated in “simple” terms, what makes this life threatening is that my brain is losing oxygen during the episodes. So if you could, imagine how terrifying it is to get this news followed by a 72 hour sleep study where you’ve had a total of 8 seizures!!

Now, to be beyond thankful, during my brain scans there were no tumors or cancer found, which are found on about 20% of epilepsy patients. I fall within the 80% of us that are told it’s not much of an explanation behind the ‘why.’ So with this, I need to avoid any type of stimulating or stressful situations, events, or lifestyles. Not hard at all, except what the hell is stimulating and stressing me out in my sleep? I’ve had a couple months to think about her words. Replaying over and over trying to find something to trust about them. That is until I no longer wanted to understand the words. I instead wanted to know why they felt like such a knife to my chest, then they made all the sense in the world.

From her words I was reminded of what life really feels like for me as an individual. You’re telling me some of the hardest news I’ve ever heard and doing so in the most emotionless way. In logic, I get it. But the picture it brought together for me was enough to recognize that I have a real issue with feeling like people don’t see me as a human, who has the capacity to feel hurt and struggle as any other. What’s backwards about it is the feeling only emphasized after becoming a mother and being given another life to be responsible for. This moment made me reflect to ask myself, “why?” Why is it that I could go through the worst shit and the only thing that’d amaze people would be me freaking out about it.

In conclusion to my reflection I was able to address myself versus the people who may choose to look beyond the struggles I face. People will only treat you how you treat you. Up until this point I have believed that I’m taking care of, catering to, and being gentle with myself, but the reality is, I’m not. I don’t allow myself the proper amount of grace and ease that I need to fully walk and live in my purpose. From what I know, it’s bigger than what I can see and it’ll take a level of dedication that I’ve never seen. And I don’t mean dedication in its usual form, I mean dedication to really just stop, listen, and follow. We take dedication and make it into an action but in this case I think it’s calling for the exact opposite. After all of this, I took a 30 day break from social media and work in general. What was learned is that there shouldn’t have been a time stamp. I need to take as long as I need because what’s for me will always be for me and that stands true for ALL OF US! There shouldn’t be an urgency to get to the things that are set for us because it creates unnecessary stress, even if we’re managing it well. Remember, the goal should never be to properly “manage” the stress, we are working to eliminate it as a whole!

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There was no point before or during my pregnancy that I ever saw myself as a single woman with a 2 year old. Time after time I have looked at other women and not understood how one could conceive a child with someone they knew were not fit for longevity together. It was not until I came to the realization that I was no longer marrying my child’s father, that we were separating, and that our paths were going in two different directions. It wasn’t until that point that I was able to humble myself, putting myself in the shoes of others. Realizing that no one PLANS to have a child and end up single. No one WANTS to be separated with someone who helped them create life. Life just happens.

Fast forward, once I reached an official year of being alone, the fact of being single has been a lingering thought. One that has drove my mind to wonder how someone whose always been characterized as “independent,” can be so fixated on the idea of being alone. My mind has raced with my “dating life,” the lack thereof, who or what I’m attracting, my standards, and all else as it relates. These thoughts eventually turned into self-destructing thoughts. Questioning myself, giving up on the idea of having someone, and questioning my standards.

As I found motivation for my June’s post, I literally felt hit. It hit me that immediately after splitting from him, I dived head first into the dating game. Prior to, I had been romantically involved with the same person since I was 16 years old. 8 years later, we have created a life together, we have been engaged, we have planned AND paid for a wedding, we have lived together, we have experienced and learned everything about adulthood TOGETHER. I have given myself no time to be an individual. I have given myself no time to know who I am. I have given myself no time, period. And this would not be the first time that I have told myself to stop, breathe, and slow down. Somewhere between all of this, there was a fear built. And this is where the realization has come in. My relationship practically picked me up from the friends, family, & other adults that cared for me as a teenager. For the first time I’m existing without the direct support of another adult. So yes, fear lies all within me.

I am scared. I am scared to be alone. Hell, I don’t know how to be alone. But what I do know, is that it is time. It is time to stop putting it off for another day, because what I am finding is that I have continuously engaged in situations, that would only result in me losing myself.

There is enough that comes with the job of being a mommy. I shared my personal experience for the same reasons I always do. I wanted to share the advice that I’ve given myself to reach the point of realization. Nothing is wrong with you, you are human as the rest of the beings in the world. No matter how many times you hear “your baby should be enough.” Yes, Aiden is enough. He is enough & more for being my child, not a mate. Although, I think it’s completely normal to desire a mate, know when it is time to shift the focus. I have had to tell myself to slow down over & over. When the time is right it will come to you. Don’t lower your standards, don’t fault yourself, don’t go backwards, don’t beat yourself up, don’t engage in negative self-talks. Just simply shift your focus. Put the energy into you, your child, and the universe. Because what’s meant for you will always be for you, without force.

Tag: Fear

I Really Don’t Know

Mommies Are Human Too