Mommy Thoughts: “There is a generational blessing attached to every generational curse. Be the one to break it.”
The Break: From the time they come out into this world from our bodies, we lay our lives on the line. While I find so much life in Aiden, I’ll still advise, we really have to stop living FOR our children and instead start living because we’re provided life. Yes, I mean it exactly as you read it. In a society like ours the impulsive response would be to question what the hell I mean “I’m not living for my kid(s)?!” followed by a “cancel her,” before she even starts!
As a mommy, when acknowledging the reason we’re living the default is something like, “I’m doing this for my kids” when referring to life. And while it may be completely fine to include them in our reasoning, it’s also convincing our brains that they’re the primary reason we’re battling this life that we didn’t sign up for. What if I told you by making your child “the reason,” you are unconsciously creating a dislike for your child(ren) and mentally draining yourself while you’re at it? When we make our children the reason, it’s not only for the good this life offers, but the bad and the ugly too. When they’re the complete “reason” for us having to go through this life, I believe we’re unconsciously teaching ourselves to place blame there.
In what I will call one of the roughest spaces I’ve been in thus far, I had to stop and ask myself what I am here for. I took a moment to really think aside from being a mother, why do I keep allowing pain and hurt to find me when I could just end it all? Of course my natural answer continued to be Aiden, despite the fact that I’ve pushed to be here even before he came 6 years ago. As I struggled finding a genuine answer to my question, my human brain did what human brains do and a counter thought or two came…If my reasoning for living is Aiden, what will I do if he gets older and my “living for him” spirit weakens in some way as it has with those I thought I was living for before he was born. Or better yet, what if something happens to my baby? Will that be what it takes for me to finally decide I’m not going to be here anymore? So then I thought, wow! That’s a lot of responsibility to put on our children. ESPECIALLY coming from a space like the one I was in with these thoughts. Feeling like I’m struggling, down, and out with this life and believing the only reason for that is Aiden, just didn’t sit well with me. Made me wonder and think about my own mother and our personal issues. Made me wonder if this is why growing up it was easy to believe or think she didn’t like me. Like did she believe I was a reason for the battles because I was a reason she was choosing to fight them?
All of these thoughts led to my initial statement in that we have to stop living FOR our children. The why behind that being, as complicated a thought, it’s a terrible thing to do. How about we instead start living WITH our children. You’d be surprised at what simple wording can do for our behaviors and actions! We view our roles as parents, especially mommies, as saviors and in some ways, we are exactly that. This makes it even easier to believe that the little humans we bring into this world are the reasons we’re aiming for the highest and repeatedly being knocked down. That way of thinking could be the very reason it becomes so easy to take our problems out on our children. I mean really…think about it…If you have no desire to live or do anything that you do, yet you have this little person you’ve made yourself believe is the reason you’re here enduring what this life has thrown at you, it is very easy to create a negative bond/attachment with that little person.
I started writing this blog months ago, last year some time, and was mentally STRUGGLING at the initiation of writing it. I can’t say what’s taken me so long to finish the entry, but I hope it comes at the perfect time for a mommy! Sharing my experiences is in no way to tell you how to parent, but instead to help you avoid what I see as my own mistakes or hiccups in this journey. At no point have I ever found myself necessarily disliking my child, but in exploring these thoughts I noticed how much time we weren’t spending with each other. How easy it was for me to say “yes” to him spending time with others. While I can’t even say that I know 100% it was stemming from me thinking he’s the reason I am taking this hard ass life on. What I can say is, in my darkest space there was an apparent difference in my connection to my child. Let me help you avoid this and any related extreme, by simply changing the way you view and word your child’s role. So say it out loud with me mommy, I am not living FOR my child(ren), I am living WITH my child(ren).
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