Today I woke up not really knowing how I feel, but knowing that a cloud was over me.
I tried getting out of bed before Aiden to find a sense of peace, I tried working out despite my mind telling me to climb back in bed & sleep or cry. I tried seeking reasons I feel this way and naturally retreated to telling myself that I’m feeling the urge to cry for no reason. I tried to tell myself that the last 30 days is not enough to put me in this space. I tried to convince myself that a house fire is not the worst thing I’ve experienced. W/ that, I also tried to rid of all emotions related, because after all of that, me and my family made it out and nothing important to me was ruined. Back to today, I then tried convincing myself that graduating was a good thing so to feel uneasy about it not being traditional is childish. These are thoughts I am literally running after in my mind. I tried telling myself that staying in hotels for free is nothing to be sad about. That no matter how much my job interrupts my ability to cater to my own life, I need to be grateful.
And as I’m fighting these thoughts, attempting to work, clean, and cater to Aiden’s requests, I feel the cloud getting heavier. I decided at this point that I’d workout again and go harder than I have in a while to release this dark energy. I showered and I crawled in bed while still wrapped in a towel & Aiden comes into my room. I hear him repeatedly say, “Mommy you need to get dressed.” “Mommy put some clothes on.” It may have been the 10th repeat before I see him pulling clothes out of my dresser and laying them on the bed. However, something in my soul would not allow me to get up. Not until I notice that my three year old is attempting to put my socks on & urging me to help him by putting on the Tshirt and leggings he has laid out for me. At this point, if you follow my blogs, then you probably guessed that I’m fighting back tears. Because in my mind I’m questioning wtf I am doing this morning and why I’m allowing myself to be down for “no reason.” Me writing this is me attempting to tell myself why.
Why? Because I’m overwhelmed. I have not allowed myself to feel the last 30+ days of my life. Whether I feel like I’ve been through worse or not. I struggle so hard with respecting the person I am today. Respecting that she has not been through worse because she has been reborn time and time again. So today, she is flustered with emotions. In the last six months I’ve disconnected from several relationships. I’ve continued to have a piss poor dating life. I’ve been forced to alter my entire life amid a pandemic. I’ve buried my emotions about not having a traditional graduation. I’ve been caught completely off guard by a house fire. I’ve had to be away from my child more than usual (believe it or not this too overwhelms me). I’ve consumed more social media than usual in attempts to stay aware of recent racial issues. I’ve not given myself the promised space from the world. I’ve been unconsciously f*cked up about the state of the world, & more. All while still trying to just be me.
Mommies, as you all know, this journey is never ending. There are highs and there are lows, but if I stress nothing, I want to stress how important it is to ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL. I have found myself being so obsessed with peace and happiness, that I so often forget that it is ok to allow unpleasant emotions to have their time as well. Being sad or mad or frustrated does not take away from your overall happiness, as long as you do not get stuck there. Make the next 30 days about the balancing of your emotions. Because it helps avoid those days like 6/4/2020, for me.
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