There was no point before or during my pregnancy that I ever saw myself as a single woman with a 2 year old. Time after time I have looked at other women and not understood how one could conceive a child with someone they knew were not fit for longevity together. It was not until I came to the realization that I was no longer marrying my child’s father, that we were separating, and that our paths were going in two different directions. It wasn’t until that point that I was able to humble myself, putting myself in the shoes of others. Realizing that no one PLANS to have a child and end up single. No one WANTS to be separated with someone who helped them create life. Life just happens.
Fast forward, once I reached an official year of being alone, the fact of being single has been a lingering thought. One that has drove my mind to wonder how someone whose always been characterized as “independent,” can be so fixated on the idea of being alone. My mind has raced with my “dating life,” the lack thereof, who or what I’m attracting, my standards, and all else as it relates. These thoughts eventually turned into self-destructing thoughts. Questioning myself, giving up on the idea of having someone, and questioning my standards.
As I found motivation for my June’s post, I literally felt hit. It hit me that immediately after splitting from him, I dived head first into the dating game. Prior to, I had been romantically involved with the same person since I was 16 years old. 8 years later, we have created a life together, we have been engaged, we have planned AND paid for a wedding, we have lived together, we have experienced and learned everything about adulthood TOGETHER. I have given myself no time to be an individual. I have given myself no time to know who I am. I have given myself no time, period. And this would not be the first time that I have told myself to stop, breathe, and slow down. Somewhere between all of this, there was a fear built. And this is where the realization has come in. My relationship practically picked me up from the friends, family, & other adults that cared for me as a teenager. For the first time I’m existing without the direct support of another adult. So yes, fear lies all within me.
I am scared. I am scared to be alone. Hell, I don’t know how to be alone. But what I do know, is that it is time. It is time to stop putting it off for another day, because what I am finding is that I have continuously engaged in situations, that would only result in me losing myself.
There is enough that comes with the job of being a mommy. I shared my personal experience for the same reasons I always do. I wanted to share the advice that I’ve given myself to reach the point of realization. Nothing is wrong with you, you are human as the rest of the beings in the world. No matter how many times you hear “your baby should be enough.” Yes, Aiden is enough. He is enough & more for being my child, not a mate. Although, I think it’s completely normal to desire a mate, know when it is time to shift the focus. I have had to tell myself to slow down over & over. When the time is right it will come to you. Don’t lower your standards, don’t fault yourself, don’t go backwards, don’t beat yourself up, don’t engage in negative self-talks. Just simply shift your focus. Put the energy into you, your child, and the universe. Because what’s meant for you will always be for you, without force.